Things to do before I go see her in two weeks:
- Write about my feelings. Not here, but on my journal. I have been internalizing it and it is beginning to affect my marriage.
- Visit his grave. I did not visit him yesterday (Father's day) because I figure everyone else was going to go and I was not going to have enough time to be alone with him.
This was the problem between my father and I. He liked me with long hair, I cut my hair really short. I figured if he loved me, he was going to accept me for who I was, not for who he wanted me to become. I'm still angry, I'm still sad. I have to write about these feelings.
My therapist asked me to talk to him whenever I wanted to express myself to him. I don't feel I have closure yet. I'm seeking closure and peace. I was left with too many unanswered questions. It is not fair but it is what it is. Fear kept me away from him. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being accepted. I fear dreaming about him. I must have closure, peace and forgiveness.