Monday, June 21, 2010

My Situation

I visited my therapist last Friday to talk about my dad's passing. It wasn't easy but I needed to talk to someone who knows my history with my dad and offer me guidance. I guess, I can always go to a priest but it will take too long to explain my situation.

Things to do before I go see her in two weeks:

  • Write about my feelings. Not here, but on my journal. I have been internalizing it and it is beginning to affect my marriage.
  • Visit his grave. I did not visit him yesterday (Father's day) because I figure everyone else was going to go and I was not going to have enough time to be alone with him.
All my life, I have strive to be different, I have always disliked following the pack and that has put me in a very bad light among people who think of me as rebellious. There is nothing wrong with following what you think its right for you, but I have rubbed off people the wrong way by acting this way.

This was the problem between my father and I. He liked me with long hair, I cut my hair really short. I figured if he loved me, he was going to accept me for who I was, not for who he wanted me to become. I'm still angry, I'm still sad. I have to write about these feelings.

My therapist asked me to talk to him whenever I wanted to express myself to him. I don't feel I have closure yet. I'm seeking closure and peace. I was left with too many unanswered questions. It is not fair but it is what it is. Fear kept me away from him. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being accepted. I fear dreaming about him. I must have closure, peace and forgiveness.



D.Richmond said...


I read this initially the day you posted it and I wanted to respond, but I was at a loss for the right words to say. I have thought about you a lot these past few days, whispering prayers to God for you, and trying to find the right words of comfort for you. I'm afraid they still elude me.

Grief is a tough thing and father wounds are tough, too. We all have them, I guess, and we all make decisions out of our reactions to those father wounds that add to our situation. Sometimes reacting or avoiding are easier than facing, but reacting/avoiding keep us stuck in a pattern that isn't always good for us. Those hurts that run deep come out sideways when we try to keep them stuffed down.

It's good to deal with them - get them out - face your fears - accept what was that can't be changed - accept the new normal - change what you can - embrace life again. It is a brave thing to do because it is a difficult process and most choose not to do it. I admire you for not settling and instead be willing to fight the tough fight to come out the other side stronger and healthier and in control.

You are being refined by God himself and he sees the beautiful you underneath the pain. He is with you through the entire process and he will not leave you.

Take your time and keep in the game. God's blessings to you. Dawn

The Seaman's said...

Thank you so much for your words. You are amazing with your words, the Holy Spirit is with you.

This is a tough process that I will conquer. Thankfully, my therapist is Christian so this process makes a tiny bit easier with her love and understanding of the Lord.

Again thank you for your support and prayers!

God bless,