Grief Class - Week One

Tonight, I found myself sitting in a room with about 11 other people who are also grieving  and listening to their stories was even tougher. When it came to my turn, I wanted to say "pass," since that's what I have been doing for the last year and half, I remember telling my friend Patricia that I didn't want to talk about it every time she asked me how I was doing. But after watching how much courage they had in telling their stories it just pushed me to say mine. It wasn't easy and I'm not even sure whether or not I will continue with this class but I'll take it week by week.

I may look like I'm happy, running, jumping, shopping and doing all the normal things people who are not grieving do every day, at the end of the day, I am still trying to make sense of things, I'm trying to get myself out of the dark cave.

There are days I find myself in denial, then I'm angry, then I'm happy because I choose to ignore everything inside of me, then I entered denial again and the cycle repeats itself over and over again.

I felt hopeless tonight and this is my feeling for today. Hopeless. And it is neither right or wrong. It is just my feeling.

But today, I want to share the "Mourner's Bill of Rights" by Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D. in case anybody is feeling sorry for me. Don't! Instead pray for me.

Here it is:

1. I have the right to experience my own unique grief.
2. I have the right to talk about my grief.
3. I have the right to feel my emotions.
4. I have the right to physical and emotional limits.
5. I have the right to "griefbursts." (this happens to me a lot.)
6. I have the right to make use of ritual.
7. I have the right to embrace my relationship with God.
8. I have the right to search for meaning.
9. I have the right to treasure my memories.
10. I have the right to move towards grief and heal.

At the end of the class, one of the facilitators call me over and gave me a book called, "Don't Forgive Too Soon. Extending the Two Hands That Heal." I told her I have many "grief" books I haven't even begun to read because they just depressed me even more but that I would consider this one only because it looks colorful and has pictures inside! She was very nice.

Alright, so right now I'm feeling like going back to denial. Good night.