Emotionally Relocate

Earlier today, I had made a decision not to go to my grief class due to many, many excuses, So, when I called John he told me this parable of a dog sitting on top of a nail in a corner, long story short, at 6:40pm, I was on my way to my class. My intuition was telling it was going to be a painful class and perhaps I should have paid more attention and not allowed John to made me feel guilty.

Tonight, we shared "good stories" of our relationship about our deceased one. I had none to share. I struggled to find one story but nothing came to mind. I sat there unable to speak or say anything. When the facilitator asked me to share, I said pass. I felt overwhelmed and I only wanted to get out of there. I felt just like I did at his funeral. Hurt and angry.

I need to forgive.

This is the prayer we did tonight:

Dear Lord, I know that...

To let go is not to welcome sorrow but learn from it.

To let go is not to deny but to accept.

To let go is not to stop caring but to care in a different way.

To let go is not to reject what was but to make the most of what can be.

To let go is not to isolate myself but to realize I can make it on my own.

To let go is not to push others away but to let them into my life.

To let go is not to forget the past but to live in the present and dream for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

Dear Lord, help me to let go.

-Author unknown

Loneliness Vs. Aloneness

"Solitude makes us tougher toward ourselves and more tender towards others." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Tonight, I acknowledge out loud that I do need alone time. I long for that dark corner to cry my heart out. Whoever might be reading this for some odd reason, don't feel sorry for me, in fact, this is pretty normal stuff from someone who is grieving. Actually, once I acknowledge it, someone else acknowledge it as well. Pretty tough to do but also liberating to acknowledge you do need help and is ok. I'm not a misfit, but someone in pain.

So, today we learned the difference between loneliness vs. aloneness and here it is:

"For a person to choose or to accept being alone seems to make others uncomfortable. We often judge the person to be "odd" or "strange."

"...because being alone can allow us to experience the pain and sort out the buried emotions without distraction."

I put myself in the aloneness category.

Loneliness

• Loneliness can be very painful and destructive.
• Loneliness can be an unconscious, self imposed isolation.
• Lonely people often blame others for not seeking them out.
• Lonely people often feel incomplete without another person's input.
• Lonely people often think they are boring and undesirable.
• Lonely people are too secure with old habits and usually don't wish to try anything new.
• Lonely people may feel they are being controlled by circumstances or only another person can remedy their situation. They often fear responsibility.
• Lonely people sometimes feel they do not deserve the interest and even the love of others.

Aloneness

• Choosing to be alone can be a positive life-giving experience.
• To be alone can be a choice that has been well thought out.
• People who are comfortable with being alone soon realize they can reach out at any time when in need.
• Being alone can force us to learn our own self worth.
• People who can be alone are usually willing to experiment with new thoughts and activities.
• People who enjoy being alone can often accept full accountability for their actions.
• Those who are able to be alone often realize that such negative feelings are self-generated. Their egos are healthy enough to know they are loved and lovable even when they are not "with" others.

I think that choosing to be alone is great to silence the mind which can take a lot of practice but to also listen to His voice and find healing. My grieving facilitator gave me this place to consider and another that I just can't find the website, it's call Mt. Carmel in Lewisville.

http://montserratretreat.org/

So, I keep moving forward in hopes that one of these days, I cry and hurt less.
                                                                 

Grief Class - Week 3

I can't believe I'm still showing up to this class. These people are wonderful and so understanding that grieving takes time. Therefore, today, I want to share what I learned today:

When we are reaching out to the bereaved it is often common to feel helpless. It is sometimes hard to know what to say that might prove comforting to the bereaved person. Often in our discomfort we fall back on cliches. While well meant, they are often not helpful and sometimes anger producing for the grieving person.

I'll share a few:

PLEASE DO NOT SAY:

• I know just how you feel
• Time heals
• Think about how happy he is in heaven

BECAUSE:

• We cannot truly know what another person feels.
• Time alone does not heal the pain.
• While the bereaved may well believe in heaven, the pain of missing that person is still very real.

SAY INSTEAD:

• This has to be a hard time for you. Does it help to talk about him?
• We cared about him too. Can we talk about him?
• Grieving people have told me it helps to talk about the person who died.

PLEASE DO NOT SAY:

• It will take two or three months to get over your grief.
• Your grief will lessen in time.
• You need to get on with your life.

BECAUSE:

These types of statements put limits on a person's grief. Each of us needs to grieve in our own way and in our own time.

SAY INSTEAD:

• I hope others are not trying to hurry you through your grief.
• This must be a very hard time for you.
• I have heard that each person grieves in their own way and in their own time.

PLEASE DO NOT SAY:

• God needed him in heaven.
• It was God's will.
• God does not give you more than you can handle.

BECAUSE:

These statements assume that we know God's will.

SAY INSTEAD:

• It must be hard to understand why these things happen.
• Sometimes these things are just not fair.
• There is no way to justify why this happened.

NOTE: True support does not mean that we are there to cheer the person up. Rather, we are there to be present to the bereaved. The gift of listening is powerful. Many bereaved people need to talk about the death over and over again. Other times the bereaved may need to be quiet. Allow for the silence. Your presence alone can be comforting.

True effective support is not dependent upon how much we say but rather on our presence and how effectively we listen.

A Prayer

Rite of Passage:

Father,

I once knelt before you piece by piece in dire need to lean on you.
I prayed for you to fix me, You didn't. I was still in pieces so feeling all alone,
I decided to fix myself. I'm here today, before you my pieces all together.
I made myself stand up again.

Thank you, Father, for giving me what I really needed; the will, at last, to
cause myself to heal, the courage to stand alone and the wisdom to know
that I never was.

Amen.
(From A Mortal on the Mend)

Grief Class - Week One

Tonight, I found myself sitting in a room with about 11 other people who are also grieving  and listening to their stories was even tougher. When it came to my turn, I wanted to say "pass," since that's what I have been doing for the last year and half, I remember telling my friend Patricia that I didn't want to talk about it every time she asked me how I was doing. But after watching how much courage they had in telling their stories it just pushed me to say mine. It wasn't easy and I'm not even sure whether or not I will continue with this class but I'll take it week by week.

I may look like I'm happy, running, jumping, shopping and doing all the normal things people who are not grieving do every day, at the end of the day, I am still trying to make sense of things, I'm trying to get myself out of the dark cave.

There are days I find myself in denial, then I'm angry, then I'm happy because I choose to ignore everything inside of me, then I entered denial again and the cycle repeats itself over and over again.

I felt hopeless tonight and this is my feeling for today. Hopeless. And it is neither right or wrong. It is just my feeling.

But today, I want to share the "Mourner's Bill of Rights" by Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D. in case anybody is feeling sorry for me. Don't! Instead pray for me.

Here it is:

1. I have the right to experience my own unique grief.
2. I have the right to talk about my grief.
3. I have the right to feel my emotions.
4. I have the right to physical and emotional limits.
5. I have the right to "griefbursts." (this happens to me a lot.)
6. I have the right to make use of ritual.
7. I have the right to embrace my relationship with God.
8. I have the right to search for meaning.
9. I have the right to treasure my memories.
10. I have the right to move towards grief and heal.

At the end of the class, one of the facilitators call me over and gave me a book called, "Don't Forgive Too Soon. Extending the Two Hands That Heal." I told her I have many "grief" books I haven't even begun to read because they just depressed me even more but that I would consider this one only because it looks colorful and has pictures inside! She was very nice.

Alright, so right now I'm feeling like going back to denial. Good night.

How long

No one knows
the tears still inside me.

People think it's all past.
They think I'm all better.

Every once in a while
I think, I hope, I pray
that things will be better too.

But then I remember.
And the pain floods back,
and the bottom falls out,
and I fall and I fall.

And I know once again
that things aren't all better.
My loved one is gone,
and I cry alone.

How much longer, God?
How long does this last?