I lived with stress and anxiety this entire year. I was faced early on whether or not I should quit my job due to not having anyone to take care of our daughters. Sooner or later, we know this may need to happen and I am prepared to do so, and I'm really looking forward to it. We may not enjoy all the "extra" stuff but I know deep in my heart that I will be happier and so will my daughters and husband. Like my sister Medit told me, "you have worked too hard for too long not to enjoy your daughters. Just do it and you will never regret it." I know she's right and I also know that God will take care of us. In the meantime, I am learning and practicing every day to turn over all my anxiety and stress to him. It is a daily struggle but one that I must conquer each and every day.
I have also lived with sadness. I have questioned God many times why He took my father away. I have questioned Him why he didn't allow me another chance with my father. Could another chance between us may have made a difference in our relationship? Would it made it worse? I don't know. I am, I guess, somewhat bitter and angry about it. There are times that I am at peace with God's decision but other times, I still get angry at him. God, is my Father after all and I have been told it is OK to question. I need keep greiving and I'm not doing a good job about it. I found a grief support group at my church. I just need to make the effort to join and hopefully find the healing, peace and understanding that I am seeking.
Forgive and forget OR forgive and not forget?
One thing I learned going through Retrouvaille and therapy sessions is that it is hard for people to forget past hurts. However, we should strive to forgive but forgetting the offense is not easy, in fact, it is impossible to forget. There are scars that are left behind that remind you of the pain that put it there. In a way, is good not to forget so that the offense one caused will not be repeated, hopefully, again.
Asking for forgiveness with no resolution builds bitterness. Forgiving with a solution towards reconcilation helps the healing process.
I want to express that it is not OK to ask for forgiveness via E-mail. It is not OK to sweep it under the rug and forget about it. It is not OK to stump once faith or religion only because is different than yours. Conflict is never fun. Asking for forgiveness face to face can be a humbling experience but asking for forgiveness without a reconciliation plan or solution does not work, it only builds more separation. I am not in any form or shape looking forward to resolve this conflict because it places me back in that dark time and place, but I know that if it ever happens it will not be pretty either.Alright, I vented on this one. But I had to say it.
The turn of another year brings suprises and challenges. I am learning everyday to become better than yesterday.
Happy New years and God Bless.
Sandra Seaman
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