I'm having a difficult time grieving. I have internalized it and unconsciously decided to avoid the process due to the busyness of my life. I have sought refuge in my job, my daughters, my husband, my friends, even my dogs. I was having lunch with a co-worker yesterday and she asked me how my therapy sessions were going and that made me stop and realize that I haven't put worth the effort to complete this process. At times, I want to pretend nothing ever happened to my Dad, that he's still coming over to talk to me. Then, I remember my visits to the hospital and I break that emotional meltdown from happening.
I canceled my appointment with Miriam (therapist) because I feel I need something else, something more. I actually found it but I failed to go out of fear of facing my pain all over again. I have unresolved issues that I want to put to rest but I know that getting there will be painful. Does pain ever end? How does one find acceptance to death?
I have this anxiety that comes and goes and I'm getting sick of it. I don't know if canceling my therapist session was a good idea but I know that I can't put this off for too long. At times I "think" or I make myself "believe" I come to peace with all of this but deep inside I still hurt and I have not found all my answers. Miriam told me I never will and that crushed me.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I can't lie. I'm still hurting. I hurt for too many reasons both good and bad. I want to tell him so much. I want to ask him so many questions. This is when life becomes unfair.
Miriam advised me to get the book called "The Courage to Grieve," and I'm having such a difficult time reading it. I have only manage to read a few pages. It truly takes courage to go through this stage. This process really, really sucks. I feel like I'm in a swamp of unresolved issues and tears are raining down on me. I'm stuck in it. I don't know how to get out. I need to find courage somewhere in this swamp but I can't seem to find it.