I'm having a difficult time grieving. I have internalized it and unconsciously decided to avoid the process due to the busyness of my life. I have sought refuge in my job, my daughters, my husband, my friends, even my dogs. I was having lunch with a co-worker yesterday and she asked me how my therapy sessions were going and that made me stop and realize that I haven't put worth the effort to complete this process. At times, I want to pretend nothing ever happened to my Dad, that he's still coming over to talk to me. Then, I remember my visits to the hospital and I break that emotional meltdown from happening.
I canceled my appointment with Miriam (therapist) because I feel I need something else, something more. I actually found it but I failed to go out of fear of facing my pain all over again. I have unresolved issues that I want to put to rest but I know that getting there will be painful. Does pain ever end? How does one find acceptance to death?
I have this anxiety that comes and goes and I'm getting sick of it. I don't know if canceling my therapist session was a good idea but I know that I can't put this off for too long. At times I "think" or I make myself "believe" I come to peace with all of this but deep inside I still hurt and I have not found all my answers. Miriam told me I never will and that crushed me.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I can't lie. I'm still hurting. I hurt for too many reasons both good and bad. I want to tell him so much. I want to ask him so many questions. This is when life becomes unfair.
Miriam advised me to get the book called "The Courage to Grieve," and I'm having such a difficult time reading it. I have only manage to read a few pages. It truly takes courage to go through this stage. This process really, really sucks. I feel like I'm in a swamp of unresolved issues and tears are raining down on me. I'm stuck in it. I don't know how to get out. I need to find courage somewhere in this swamp but I can't seem to find it.
2 comments:
Sandra,
I am sending you love and truth as my heart goes out to you.
The beginning of Psalm 69 goes like this...
Save me, Oh God, for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters; the floods ingulf me.
I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
When I was struggling in life, I discovered how often King David cried out to God in grief and sorrow and somehow it made me feel better. I guess it showed me I wasn't the only one in the world to feel so overly burdened and the words of the psalmist seemed to speak to what I was feeling. I find lots of hope in the Psalms because I learn so much about the attributes of God and his ability to handle any situation.
Psalm 71 verse 7 says 'Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me.'
I guess what I am trying to say is RUN TO GOD for help! He is faithful to hear, come, and help!
Also, remember the pain of your almost divorce and reconcilation? That had to have been very hard to go through but if you wouldn't have had the courage to do so you would have missed out on the beautiful relationship you have today. I believe you faced that courage because you believed God was able to bring you through it and you trusted that it is what he wanted for you. Trust God now. Trust he is able to help you through this and that there is a higher, heavenly purpose for it, just like saving your marriage had.
I have found in my own life that extreme hardships are times that God uses to desperately get me to drawn closer to him so he can reveal himself to me in a new way that I never would have discovered if life was rosy. God is near, he's asking you to look toward him, and unburden on him, so he can raise you up again.
You will rejoice again. You will sail the seas instead of sink in them. You'll probably be a lifeguard, too ,and help someone else not drown. I know it's hard to think that now but REMEMBER the things God has done for you already and TRUST he will be FAITHFUL to do so again.
Much love, Friend!
D,
You are awesome! I have read your comment many times and every time I cry. I have gone through countless struggles and I remind myself this won't be the last. I avoid talking about my father's passing until I reach a boiling point of desperation. I'm struggling because I want answers. I'm struggling because we weren't given a second chance even though both my father and I had too much time available to us to make amends.
I will seek help and I will face the pain with courage, understanding and peace.
Your words brought comfort to me. I'm glad a found a sister in Christ like you.
God Bless,
Sandra.
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